elswhere's troll

this post exemplifies everything that's wrong with mommy blogs. It's full of boring, trivial detail that could only possibly be of interest to the author (or possibly her mother). Its obsessive focus on the minutiae of this child's ballet class is sickening in its bourgeois self-absorption. And the author's disproportionate glee and pride that her daughter shows a smidgen of human feeling towards another child-- well, that's the kind of self-esteem-boosting pap that creates the spoiled, overentitled monsters we see in schools today.

Okay. My work here is done. If I think of something else, I'll let you know.

And it's incredibly trivial.

She's not writing anything! Because she has no imagination and no self-discipline. All the wonderful things there are in the world to write about, and she manages to remain uninspired! What's the matter with her!

Also she should clean up her room. And get up earlier in the morning. And exercise more. And be more organized. And stop wasting time on that Badger Badger site.

Also she should stop neglecting her family for the world of the blogosphere.

And she should play with her cat more.

pompous! wordy!

I can't believe you let her give out store-bought valentines. Where's your creativity? Would it have been so hard to help her make her own? *Sigh* it comes to this, in the two-working-parent family. Always taking the easy way out.

And you all waited until the last minute because...why, exactly?

You made her write all those names herself? What kind of pressure is that to put on a 4-year-old?

Brevity is not your strong suit, is it?

All you nay-sayers: just remember that this is ALL FOR ELSWHERE'S OWN GOOD. I really want the best for her! that's why I am continually trying to stop her from making a fool of herself by posting anything that reveals her deep character flaws and/or lack of writing talent. Failing that, I plan to provide line-by-line critiques of her posts, as she composes them. At least you can read these and know I tried. Even if I (sniff!) failed.

I'm not going to bother to quote the sections that correspond to each critique. You can work it out for yourselves. Or not. All I'm trying to do is express myself. It's my blog, you know!

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All those exclamation points. Very derivative of Spanglemonkey.

So where is this going? Really? Do you have a point?

Awkward sentence! What is this, amateur hour?

This whole post is getting out of hand. didn't you write about this already?

Yuppie hypocrite.

Perfect example of over-precious 21st century parenting.

Do you have to make everything so complicated? Can't you just live your life without analyzing it to pieces?

No, you're not.

Overly jolly and flip ending. And kind of facile, no?

And do you really think anyone will read something this long? Puh-lease.

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See? If she'd listened to me in the first place, she wouldn't even have written it. But I do what I can.

She's banished me here. As if one blog wasn't more than she can handle already. "Go get your own blog," she said, "and stop spewing negativity all over mine."

Yeah. Well. Her blog's dumb, anyway. I don't need her. All that mommy-pommy namby-pambiness. I'm way too radical for that. Or maybe I'm too conservative. And I know the interfaithness of her family and her lack of synagogue attendance bothers me. Unless it disturbs me more that she hasn't cast off the shackles of patriarchal religion altogether. And why isn't she living in a more integrated neighborhood? Or, failing that, in a bigger house with hardwood floors?

You can see I've got my work cut out for me.